No comment.

Tags: He-Man, She-Ra

Don't look for deep meaning here. You won't find it.

Tags: Levittown

This is about the funniest promotional graphic I've ever seen on the web

Tags: Lewis Hamilton, Formula1, France

In 30 years, is this what Facebook will look like?

Tags: Facebook

Tags: Family Guy, Futurama

Well, at least he (or she) calls it like he (or she) sees it...

Tags: Global Warming, SUVs

I normally don't prescribe to things like this. For a variety of reasons. But I thought that these were somewhat relevent. And pretty funny.

I don't like "The Man Show" but I do like Adam Carolla.

These are our rules!

Please note… these are all numbered "1" . On purpose!
 
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl.  If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports...it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
· Subtle hints do not work!
· Strong hints do not work!
· Obvious hints do not work!
· Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem  only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cars, sports or women.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round is a shape!

Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight… but did you know men really don't mind that?  It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh…

Forwarded from a friend with impeccable taste:

Italian Television

This is the hostess for an Italian TV talk show...

American Television

This is the hostess for an American TV talk show...

To learn Italian, may we suggest Rosetta Stone.

Tags: Italy

Oh. My. God!

Tags: Star Wars, Trumpet

This was recently posted to Craig's List. I think that it's genius. For a variety of reasons.

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

▪ Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

▪ What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

▪ Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

▪ Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

▪ Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

▪ How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY.

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

A day or so later, this reply emerged...

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know

If you don't believe me, you can find the original posting by using this ID: 432279810

Son to Father: Dad, is a Ferrari a red car with small horse?

Father: That's right, but why do you ask?

Son: I think there's one trying to pass us on the right.

Tags: Ferrari

This guy's a genius. I hope I can study under him one day.


NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast'

Tags: Cars, Racing, NASCAR

I cannot imagine how he got out of that... I'm assuming he didn't.

Tags: Pain

"I swear by Apollo, Asclepius, Hygieia, and Panacea, and I take to witness all the gods, all the goddesses, to keep according to my ability and my judgment, the following Oath.

To consider dear to me, as my parents, him who taught me this art; to live in common with him and, if necessary, to share my goods with him; To look upon his children as my own brothers, to teach them this art I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone.

To please no one will I prescribe a deadly drug nor give advice which may cause his death.

Nor will I give a woman a pessary to procure abortion.

But I will preserve the purity of my life and my arts.

I will not cut for stone, even for patients in whom the disease is manifest; I will leave this operation to be performed by practitioners, specialists in this art.

In every house where I come I will enter only for the good of my patients, keeping myself far from all intentional ill-doing and all seduction and especially from the pleasures of love with women or with men, be they free or slaves.

All that may come to my knowledge in the exercise of my profession or in daily commerce with men, which ought not to be spread abroad, I will keep secret and will never reveal.

If I keep this oath faithfully, may I enjoy my life and practice my art, respected by all men and in all times; but if I swerve from it or violate it, may the reverse be my lot."


I'm not sure if the photo is real, but personally, I would let that guy die.

Tags: Racism

A good deal at only $19.99!

After a very rough week, Keri decided to go get a pedicure. As she was getting... serviced... in walks Katee "Starbuck" Sackhoff. She sat across the room from her and she snapped this pic.


I swear that's Starbuck... and memo to Apple: More megapixels in the iPhone camera, please.

Tags: Starbuck, BSG, Battlestar Galactica, iPhone, Katee Sackhoff

Heh. I love this.

Tags: Cars

It's July 4th weekend. My fridge was stuffed with appetizers and salads and meat for the grill so I was only able to fit a 12-pack of beer. Normally, this would have been enough so I didn't worry about it. After a couple hours, the beer was gone.

I did have some more beer in the garage but the 90° Los Angeles heat had rendered it useless for at least an hour. Now what?

• Take 6 hot beers and place them in a pot.
• Add enough ice cubes to completely cover the beers
• Fill the pot with water
• Next, and this is the trick, tossed in about 2 cups of table salt
• Stir it up to be sure the salt dissolved
• Place the concoction in the freezer… Wait 3 minutes

Bam. Ice cold beer!

Tags: Parties

After all the sensationalism, hype, media coverage, mayhem, indepth analysis, jokes, taunting, pandaemonium, chaos, drama, legal wrangling, and what have you... I still have an unanswered question:

Where have all the good ballads gone?

Tags: Paris Hilton

Jessica Hagy is a genius.


She's cute, too.

Thankfully, we did not find anything like this when we were cleaning up the yard this evening...

Tags: Spiders

Tags: Turtles

I want my iPhone.

Tags: Geekery

This was on a humour site this morning. I'm not sure I get the joke?

When I grow up, I want to be Jay Leno's spoiled, ungrateful son.

Tags: Cars

With apologies to Ralph Lucano...

1. I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
2. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
3. What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.
4. You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
5. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
6. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
7. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
8. That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
9. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
10. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
11. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
12. The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
13. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
14. Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
15. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
16. Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
17. The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
18. I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.
19. To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
20. Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
21. The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
22. My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
23. I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
24. Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
25. See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
26. What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
27. You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
28. You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."
29. Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
30. I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

Ah to be 8 years old and in search of Ice Cream.

Can you ever believe that a commercial like this got made... and aired... often?

Tags: Long Island

Thanks, Kelly. This made my day.

Tags: Geekery

From a January 2001 article by By Mr. Bad & Crackmonkey

1. 
   
2. That won't scale.
3. 
   
4. That's been proven to be O(N^2) and we need a solution that's O(NlogN).
5. 
   
6. There are, of course, various export limitations on that technology.
7. 
   
8. The syntax is idiosyncratic.
9. 
   
10. Trying to build a team behind that technology would be a staffing nightmare.
11. 
    
12. That can't be generalized to a cross-platform build.
13. 
    
14. Unfortunately, the license would contaminate our product.
15. 
    
16. If we go with that idea, we're going to have Don Marti camped out in the front lobby with 300 angry software jihad supporters.
17. 
    
18. Our support infrastructure simply can't handle the volume that change would involve.
19. 
    
20. I had one of the interns try that approach for another project, and it scrambled the CEO's hard drive. So I think it's going to be a hard sell.
21. 
    
22. Yes, well, that's just not the way things work in the real world.
23. 
    
24. I like your idea. Why don't you write up a white paper and we'll review it at the next staff meeting?
25. 
    
26. Unfortunately, we're an all-FORTH shop. Otherwise, it's a nice idea.
27. 
    
28. I think you need to stop taking this so personally. We need to think about what's best for the project, not about our own little pet theories.
29. 
    
30. Oh, I played with that approach back as an undergrad. Got a D, too.
31. 
    
32. I was reading about that on BugTraq yesterday.
33. 
    
34. Yes, I believe that's the approach Windows NT is taking.
35. 
    
36. That's totally inefficient on modern hardware.
37. 
    
38. Well, yes, but it really reduces to the knapsack problem in that case. Do you have some kind of heuristic, or are we dealing with an NP-complete case?
39. 
    
40. Have you LOOKED at the number of I/O requests that will create?
41. 
    
42. We can't afford the transaction overhead.
43. 
    
44. Yeah, or we could all just plink away on Amigas or something.
45. 
    
46. What? I don't speak your crazy moon-language.
47. 
    
48. Hmm. Didn't they just go bankrupt? It's OK, I guess -- there's some German company who's picked up the existing service contracts.
49. 
    
50. No, no, no. We're really working on an N-TIER architecture, here.
51. 
    
52. No, no, no. It's fairly important that the database be in THIRD NORMAL FORM.
53. 
    
54. No, that would break object encapsulation.
55. 
    
56. I don't think that's altogether clear. Please write it up in UML for me.
57. 
    
58. I think there's a problem with your drive geometry.
59. 
    
60. Can you generate some USE CASES that would justify the change?
61. 
    
62. How is that going to impact the schedule?
63. 
    
64. RAM is cheap and all, but...
65. 
    
66. It would probably be best if we deferred that until version 2.0.
67. 
    
68. I like it, but it is too point-oh for my tastes.
69. 
    
70. If you make this change, I will fork the code.
71. 
    
72. Yes, well, unfortunately the economy is going away from anything remotely like that. Our investors would kill us.
73. 
    
74. Jakob Nielsen wrote an interesting hit piece on that.
75. 
    
76. Yes, yes, we've all read DJB's RFCs on the subject.
77. 
    
78. This is all covered in Knuth, and we don't have time to go over it again.
79. 
    
80. This one is in the FAQ: http://www.linuxmafia.com/~rick/faq/#your_dumb_technology
81. 
    
82. I don't have time for this extropian nonsense.
83. 
    
84. Well, I guess we could start the QA cycles again from square one. That would require a press release, though.
85. 
    
86. You used to program in Pascal, didn't you?
87. 
    
88. Why don't we make a generalized solution including both options, and let the administrator decide with a config-file setting?
89. 
    
90. You've obviously ignored the various namespace issues.
91. 
    
92. I don't think you're considering the performance trade-offs.
93. 
    
94. What kind of benchmarks have you been running?
95. 
    
96. Let's table this for now, and we'll talk about it one-on-one off-line.
97. 
    
98. This really doesn't jibe with our core competency.
99. 
    
100. This sort of thing should really be outsourced.
101. 
     
102. I remember that IBM had a project to do that back in the 70s.
103. 
     
104. Um, hello? We're using VON NEUMANN MACHINES HERE.
105. 
     
106. We need this to fit on a single floppy.
107. 
     
108. Yes, but can this be embedded in a toaster, for example?
109. 
     
110. We need something that my mom can use.
111. 
     
112. Users won't want to click through that many layers of hierarchy.
113. 
     
114. The packaging costs will be prohibitive.
115. 
     
116. OK, but what about internationalization?
117. 
     
118. Look, would you just get off your Be obsession for FIVE MINUTES and talk serious design with us?
119. 
     
120. That's a good idea -- you should do that on your home page.
121. 
     
122. Yeah, Linuxcare tried that with the Sourceror project.
123. 
     
124. Ho, man! Are they still AROUND? That's so cool. I thought that whole idea was discredited years ago.
125. 
     
126. What you're not seeing is the difference between an 'is-a' and a 'has-a' relationship.
127. 
     
128. There is no hope for the widow's son, Boaz.
129. 
     
130. Yes, but we're standardizing on XML.
131. 
     
132. That doesn't fit into the MVC model.
133. 
     
134. Well, that's great if you have an AI running the thing.
135. 
     
136. Well, they're going to do that with the next version of Perl, so we should probably wait.
137. 
     
138. Well, they're going to do that with the next version of OS X, so we should probably wait.
139. 
     
140. I heard that the only real application for that technology was child pornography. How did you hear about it?
141. 
     

...and I thought I had a lot of free time on my hands to think about pointless stuff!

Tags: Geekery

Yeah, I'll go to the theatre to see this one!

Aqua Teen Hungerforce Colon Movie Film For Theaters HD Trailer

Frighteningly, my grandfather would have been the guy to get this option in his car...

Tags: Cars

Personally, I think they omitted a few good ones, but it's a pretty good list.

I'm about to get on a flight. I missed last night's 30 Rock and The Office. So I fire up my iTunes to see if I can download it before I get out of town.

No luck.

I've got a bit of a delay, so I wander through the online store. Much to my surprise, I see the new episodes listed in the store. So I figure I'd check to see if they were available to download as pat of my season pass. No love.

I really want to see those episodes. Really badly. I figure that I saved a bunch of money last night running in to Drew at Mai House... I can spend the $4 to get the episodes now so I can watch them on my flight.

I click to buy... and then I get this:



Are you kidding me? Thanks for treating us season pass holders like second rate citizens. We should get the stuff earlier since we paid for it earlier!

Oh, and if anyone would like to steal these shows without paying for them, I recommend visiting TV RSS

Tags: Geekery

Phantasms spent some time in lock-up last week.

Tags: Cars, Next New Networks

A smartass takes on Verizon. Sadly, he's not gonna win.

These quotes are from the Merlin Board (don't ask)

1. 
   
2. There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
3. 
   
4. If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0
5. 
   
6. Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
7. 
   
8. My pokemon bring all the nerds to the yard, and they're like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this but not my charizard.
9. 
   
10. 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
11. 
    
12. I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly.
13. 
    
14. I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
15. 
    
16. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
17. 
    
18. A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
19. 
    
20. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
21. 
    

Tags: Geekery

Sheer brilliance.

Damn it. The Lamborghini is in Las Vegas and the Ferrari is in New York.

This sucks.

Tags: Cars

With apologies to Sr. Eileen who I'm sure once enjoyed donkey racing.


Nuns on the Internet

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer.

Please wait while the good content loads.

Keep waiting. I swear, it's worth it.

This is all your fault, Gabe!

Tags: Battlestar Galactica, BSG, Cylon

$17,000,000.00 to make...



$200,000,000.00. That's my guestimate.

Tags: Cars, Porsche

No comment...

I'm not Bill Gates superfan #1, but he recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. I was a great speech.

The salient rules are here:

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Tags: Geekery

Go see this movie. Now.

I know you want them.

                                   

                                   

                                   

                                   

                                   

     


Click the icon. It'll become your AIM icon... (If you have AIM)

Tags: Cars

This picture was the #3 pic in the Yahoo! most viewed this AM.

So, allegedly, this is some new rantings from George Carlin. I'm not sure if it is, but it sure is funny.


Thanks to the 3.2MM people that sent this in...

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ....ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it actually translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants! After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. Not "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.